I am Sagittarius. I spent my life reading about how much I like to travel, change, new experiences. How much I hate routine. How easy for me is to leave, let go, start over. I’ve always seen a lot of me in my Sign, and maybe that’s why I’ve always believed in what it had to talk about me. And maybe that’s why I’ve taken such a fright when I decided to move to another country and suddenly saw myself that way: in a panic.
Leaving Brazil was a decision at the same time super-planned, and suddenly taken. I went to college for architecture in Brazil and worked with design. After doing a summer illustration course in New York, I’ve decided I wanted to change my life. I spent six months building a portfolio, chasing letters of recommendation, school historical and TOEFL tests until I finally had a package of more than a kilogram to send across the continent. And expect a response. The key problem was: I didn’t think I was going to be approved. The Masters I was trying was extremely competitive, and I know amazing illustrators who haven’t passed. So although I was planning this change rationally, emotionally I haven’t even considered the possibility of leaving everything and everyone I knew behind. When I got the letter saying I had been selected, it was the moment when the penny dropped (and I got in panic) ‘I’ll leave my country’.
I ‘ve always been the more nostalgic children from the playground. And after at middle school, high school, college … While everyone was pissed, celebrating the passage to a new phase that could not wait to start, I was always in the corner, hugging a wall, crying inconsolably. The crisis that people usually take forty years to face, I felt at the height of my 10 years. On the eve of my tenth birthday, my dad had the brilliant idea to inform me that they were my last moments with a single-digit age. That from thence, and the rest of my life, I would double digits, as well as my sisters, he, the baker on the corner and my grandmother. We were all equal now, I would finally become a person. Person? But who said I wanted to be a person?! Who said I wanted to be in the same category as the corner baker and my grandmother? I couldn’t believe I was so young and yet was already leaving behind an entire stage. Times were hard, and my mother took me to write a memoir, with photos of those ten years of my long life, to show that they had been well used. My first biography.
Knowing that I am that person, I should not have surprised myself with the panic that gripped me on the eve of my departure for New York … right? Yeah, but life is not always as it should be, and got surprised. We love to think that we are more than we are. Or less. Or different. Anything that is not boring predictable than what we’re already tired of knowing. Know? But do we actually know? The sooner we become aware that the answer is ‘no’, the easier it is our journey. That’s our big goal throughout life, try to know our own boredom. Self-knowledge is the key to all the difficulties we face. This is what makes challenges softer, fears more tangible and reactions more tamed. If I had more of it, I knew I would panic just at the thought of leaving everything I know and love. But more than that, if I really knew myself , I wouldn’t even waste my time panicking, because I would knew that ultimately, I am Sagittarius, and when the turbulence from the change itself passes, I adapt myself even before the plane has landed. The same way that, looking back, for the last eighteen years I find myself very well suited to my two digits, thank you!
Photo credits: juliadavilalampe.wordpress.com/